There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Always…
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead