Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My time has come.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently