“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome