Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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joke store owner: oh no
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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