I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.