Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Every photo I’m tagged in
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.