You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*seductively eats two tums*
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
a god among men