I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
A leaf blower, but for people.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw