Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i really liked this one
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.