[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My life in a nutshell
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
if you鈥檙e not in my circle of trust , you鈥檙e probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The part I don鈥檛 like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don鈥檛 get solved.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn鈥檛 follow them, but still.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I don鈥檛 have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I don鈥檛 really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.