Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job