*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“How’s your day going?”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
meow
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…