50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Thank you corporation very cool
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.