Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My five year plan is a meteorite
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it