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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Yes, this is exactly right
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.