I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.