Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.