Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Well, that should do it
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible