[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.