glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.