They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Any refunds available?…
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Hey i am sexy to you now
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide