I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.