The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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water it, i dare you
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly