“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se