Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Why do meteors always land in craters?
worst…sale…ever
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
i wish i could marry a nap
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.