a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
You Might Also Like
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.