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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.