I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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Hey I worked for it too!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way