Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.