I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
United Steaks of America
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I am HOWLING at this
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?