Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.