My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.