FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I already tried new things thanks.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.