Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Lmao
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
This hospital has everything
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!