Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.