*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
liiiiiiiiike
A huge thanks to the person that did this
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed