Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”