Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
The Assassin.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.