Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m tired tomorrow.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Finally
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….