It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.