[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Does this dress make me look cat?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal