wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
You Might Also Like
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
scares
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.