What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
💻🤡
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.