“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
this isn’t threatening at all
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.