It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
? 💀
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym