I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.