(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme