You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin