Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Oh no
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.