Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
😂😂
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?